I always thought if I just had an answer to why our babies don’t grow and their hearts stop beating then everything would be better. We would be able to have a successful pregnancy and go along on our merry way. This is part of the reason why after our second miscarriage we told our doctor we were willing to pay for some of the blood tests that insurance wouldn’t cover yet. So our doctor ordered tests for some of the most frequently seen blood clotting disorders.
After getting my labs drawn I almost hoped one would be positive. I would have my answer and everything would work out. But when my doctor called and told me one was positive, I didn’t have the relief I thought I would find.
It turns out I am positive for a gene mutation called MTHFR that causes clotting. It is controversial to doctors as to whether or not it actually can cause miscarriages. Some believe it disrupts the blood flow to the fetus causing slowed intrauterine growth and ultimately the heart to stop beating (which is exactly what has happened in our pregnancies). They have also seen successful pregnancies with treatment. However, other doctors caulk it up more to “chance” as to why women have successful pregnancies after miscarriage and focus on the lack of research for MTHFR as a proper diagnosis with effective treatment.
Sigh. So what does this all mean? What should I believe? I decided to do what we always tell our patients NOT to do, I googled it. There were blogs about it and doctors who firmly believe in it and women who described their pregnancies and their success with treatment. But I still don’t know what to believe.
In the end my doctor (who has been a high risk OB for 19 years and I trust completely) decided to consult Maternal Fetal Health to determine what treatment I would need for the next pregnancy, whether it be just aspirin or heparin injections.
But yet I still worried. I still don’t feel in control of the situation. I am gently reminded that God is in control. I can’t worry about what the results mean or if we have our “answer”. Only God knows our future and how our future pregnancies will go.
Before this journey I was a control freak, plain and simple. I have a Type A personality. I follow my planner with precision and knew what I was planning to be doing the next week, next month, or even the next year. But God was slowly nudging me aside and taking over the control without me realizing it. When Marcus and I decided to start trying to have a baby I thought, “Okay if I get pregnant now I will have a baby then and then this would happen… etc…”.
I’m sure God was smiling at my grand plan because that was not the plan He had in store. A year and a half ago the thought of giving up any control gave me a sense of panic. But now I feel relieved He is in control. I have learned that if I don’t rely on my faith and allow Him to have control, then I am not trusting Him. And why wouldn’t I trust God? He knows what is best for us and His timing is nothing but perfect.
Now we pray everyday that we do not grow weary and that we continue to trust in Him and be content and patient with His timing. We would love if you could pray that for us too.