This week marks one year since we received the first devastating news. And with the craziness this summer has brought, I was hoping the day would pass by without me thinking too much about it.
Or at least that was my plan.
I always thought staying busy would help me keep my mind off of things and allow time to pass more quickly, but I’ve come to find that isn't always the case. The pain is always there for the children we have lost and staying busy does not mask it. The only thing that can truly help is really putting all my energy into the Lord.
But with so much going on it has been hard to find some quite time where I can really share my heart with the Lord. The busy plans of summer are exciting, but can also leave me feeling exhausted. Especially during this “waiting” period.
The waiting period has been and always is very hard. There is an increased chance for miscarriage in the first three months after a miscarriage so the doctors usually recommend you wait until this period of time is over to try again. And with already having two miscarriages, our chance is doubled.
The waiting period is relieving in that we don’t have to worry about the stresses of getting pregnant or being on fertility medications that make me somewhat emotional (or VERY emotional if you ask Marcus). But at the same time it is just as stressful not being able to do anything at all. I feel such a loss of control. And being content with God’s timing and letting Him be in control has been a constant struggle for me.
So in the midst of my weariness, how do I communicate my heart to the Lord? I feel like my prayers over the past year have essentially been the same day in and day out and sometimes I even feel too exhausted to figure out what I am really feeling.
It is times like this when I am truly thankful for the gift of the Holy Spirit, which allows God a glimpse of my soul. He gave me this gift so that He could know me and I Him. He already knows what I am feeling or thinking. He knows the needs and wants of my heart before I even have it figured out. And in the midst of my weariness when I cannot form the words I want to say, I am comforted to know that my prayers don’t have to make sense and I don't have to know exactly what I need because He already does.
I am also thankful for His Word. I recently was reading in the book of Psalms and had to smile at the irony of David’s plea to the Lord in Psalm 13. It was almost as if David took the words I have been trying to find right out of my mouth. In verse 2 David says,
“How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?”
Even when I can’t find the words myself, God is able to finish my thoughts and let me know that He is here when I spend time reading His Word.
Worship also helps strengthen my love with the Lord. I have heard many songs over the past year that help me speak my heart through the lyrics. Knowing that God can hear me lift up His name and hear my cry removes all the burden from me. A few have even described my feelings so perfectly they bring tears to my eyes every time I hear them. Two in particular are Tenth Avenue North’s “Worn” and The After’s “Broken Hallelujah”. I always know when I can’t find the right words to say, God hears my prayers through my worship to Him.
So if you too are feeling weary from a busy start to summer or the trials that are going on in your life, don’t forget to take time for the Lord. Whether it be through worship, prayer, or reading the Bible, know that you will find comfort in knowing He is near and He will give you the strength you need to get through.