Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are very difficult for us. Daily I’ve seen people post on Facebook about Mother’s Day, I receive about 25 emails a day asking me to buy something to celebrate moms, and every other advertisement or commercial is about moms. Every where I look there are signs of motherhood, serving as a constant reminder this is something I have yet to fully experience, but that my heart so deeply desires.
And this yearn for motherhood leaves me feeling hollow.
Last year on Mother’s day we celebrated and Marcus took me out to my favorite fro-yo spot. And this year, we celebrated as well, early since we both work the holiday.
But to many, I am not a mother. I do not get that recognition because my babies did not make it into this world. Instead they are resting in heaven with Jesus. My sweet loves. Who knew how much you could love a child you hadn’t even met.
In light of Mother’s Day, I would like to bring recognition to all the moms out there who have found themselves walking along this path. And also to help other’s understand the silent grief of a miscarriage. There are so many women around us that have experienced this, but held their secret and their grief inside. What I hear most from others is if you haven’t been through it or haven’t known someone who has, it is difficult to understand. A blog I read once described it best:
“I didn’t understand miscarriage until it became a part of my story… I thought it was like getting your period…”
But it is nothing like this. You walk around with a child growing inside you. God has already started to form your little one into who they will be. You dream about and plan your future. You feel pregnancy in full force including all the not so wonderful symptoms.
And when it comes abruptly to an end and you lose all these dreams, you are crushed. Your body goes through chaos trying to return back to normal. And you have to make a decision on what to do with your baby’s remains.
I had no idea what to anticipate when it happened to me, because I too did not envision it this way.
Not a day goes by that my heart doesn’t ache for my little ones. I wish more than anything that I could hold them and kiss them and let them know how much I love them. My heart feels grief in ways I never thought was possible. The grief holds tight to my heart and just a thought of it can instantly cause me to lose my breath and tears come to my eyes.
Though there are days I feel weak and the grief leads me to bitterness and jealousy, I pray constantly that God would keep my heart from these feelings that threaten to drag me down. I recently had a friend who is pregnant ask me if it hurts knowing she is pregnant and my answer was simply “no”. I would never wish this path on anyone. I would never want anyone to join this secret club.
My hope is to bring comfort to the women out there who are silently grieving or holding onto secrets like I have.
So to all the moms out there with heartache from the child they never got to hold, the child that left their arms too soon, those who are struggling to get pregnant, or those that are pregnant again and living in fear,
Happy Mother’s Day!